


It Happened One Night

by StealthLiberal



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Drunken Shenanigans, F/M, Humor, Inappropriate Humor, M/M, Multi, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-17
Updated: 2014-01-26
Packaged: 2018-01-09 01:26:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1139801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StealthLiberal/pseuds/StealthLiberal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tauriel and Sigrid go on a drunken tear though Dale. Poor Fili and Kili have never been so overworked and confused in all their lives.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [igrab](https://archiveofourown.org/users/igrab/gifts).



Legal Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to The Hobbit in either book nor film form. The book rights are held by the estate of the late J.R.R. Tolkien, if they have not already gone into public domain. The film rights belong to Peter Jackson, Wingnut Productions and WETA Studios. This is a work of amateur speculative fiction and no profit was made, nor ever intended to be made.

 

AN: This is a Fili/Kili/Tauriel pairing, with a focus on Tauriel/Sigrid friendship. It will start with a turn for the comedic and then belligerently keep going. Enjoy and please leave a comment/review letting me know what you think. It can make a lady's day.

 

It Happened One Night

 

Chapter 1:

 

Fili and Kili were used to Tauriel, their elf may have seemed placid and reserved, all but unknowable to others at times, but never to them. They knew all the signs that told them when she was angry, even enraged, when she was feeling silly, when she was content, when she was brimming with happiness and when she was overflowing with sadness. Elves felt very deeply, but not as openly nor as passionately as dwarves, the deep intensity however, that was there, when you knew how to see it. 

They could also tell when she was restless, when she was about to start climbing the walls of Erebor. Normally this resulted in the three of them leaving the Lonely Mountain and going on thinly disguised orc patrols that were more about giving Tauriel the chance to breathe fresh air, and be the deadly elf that she was. They would be out for days and the brothers Durin would remember times in the Blue Mountains when they were more free, when less was riding on their shoulders. At night they would camp, look at the stars and make love in the open air. Good times.

Sadly those good times were not to be had this time. They could tell she was restless, more so than usual and that she was about to chew through the walls, but it was the middle of February and it was a cold and icy hell outside and nobody was going to let the Heir and Spare of Erebor go out orc hunting with their wife in this weather. Too cold and too windy, the only thing the bitterness outside was missing was actual snow. And while the cold didn't really effect Tauriel as much as them, even she wouldn't be comfortable spending a few nights outside right now.

Instead they took her back to their rooms, instead they channeled all that restless energy into their bed. A bed they had both always known they would share, but that once Tauriel had come into their lives, they couldn't imagine it without her. 

Everything was going so well, perfect even. And then it happened, or maybe it was better to say that SHE had happened.

“Hey gu...oh ... again? You three are like rabbits!”

Fili was pretty sure he never flipped over like that to yank a blanket over them before in his life, and he also thought he may have pulled something he might need later in doing so. Kili was staring at the owner of the voice and blinking, the thought slowly traipsing across his face that he wasn't getting any restless, intense sex tonight. And he was starting to look distinctly less than pleased about it.

Tauriel on the other hand seemed utterly nonplussed. “Sigrid? What can we do for you?”

“What can you do for her? Are... we... you... WE WERE BUSY HERE!” Yes, Kili was definitely less than pleased.

Fili cleared his throat. “Sigrid, we love you and all, but it is customary to knock.”

Sigrid shrugged like she could care less, which was a sign that she was probably just as restless as Tauriel right now and that was never a good sign. “Tauriel said she had an open door policy, so I opened the door.”

Tauriel got up with a boneless grace and picked up her robe to drape over her. She was very unconscious of her body, like all elves, and that had taken her males and sometimes her closest human friend some time to get used to, though Fili and Kili have grown to love that about her. “What's going on, you look... bothered.”

Sigrid sat down in a chair, and made a frustrated growling noise and at that the Durin brothers knew for sure. No sex with Tauriel tonight, that ship had sailed. 

“My father couldn't make it to the meeting with Thorin and Thranduil about the wine trade, so he sent me. I have been mediating those two all day, I have been babysitting two very much grown men who hate each other, for 12 hours. Legolas was supposed to be taking his father's place to make life easier on everyone, but nope, I guess he had to polish his ears or something. So yes... I am mentally exhausted, cranky and only half joking when I say I'm considering drowning both the king of Mirkwood and the king of Erebor in a bathtub.” 

For a moment no one said anything, because frankly, the image of Sigrid holding Thorin and Thranduil under that water with her hands and feet was an entertaining one, but then Tauriel patted her friend's hand. “I am sure more than one person has held that thought when dealing with both of them in a bad mood.”

Fili chuckled. “Why do you think I avoid dealing with the two of them unless I have to in times like this. It's better to just let them do the chest beating thing and get it over with.”

Kili laid back on the bed, propped up on some pillows. “Times like this I've never been so happy to be the Spare. I'm not expected to do much in the way of diplomatic negotiations. My uncle likes to trot me out for military purposes. Much more relaxing.”

To say the look he got from his brother and his friend was withering was perhaps an understatement.

“So what can I do to make it better, because you can't go back to Dale like this. Your father will never let you negotiate for him again.” Later, after all the chaos had died down, Tauriel would maybe think she should have phrased this better, but what was done was done.

Sigrid grinned and picked up the burlap bag she had been carrying. “Well, I have some dorwinion wine. And I could use someone to help me drink it. Plus there's a cooking competition down in Dale, we should go.” To emphasize her point, she shook the bag, letting the bottles clink together.

Before Fili or Kili could lodge a protest, utter a concern about them going out drinking in the bitter fucking cold, Tauriel was dressed in a simple tunic, trews and shoes, pulling on her coat, blowing them each a kiss goodbye and walking out with an altogether too smug Sigrid, to... if they heard correctly... ride horses down to Dale and get into mischief.

“Did we just get abandoned in the middle of sex for a girls night out with elven wine?”

Fili sighed and sat down at the edge of the bed. “Yes.”

 

XXX XXX XXX XXX XXX XXX

 

Tauriel was in the lead as both ladies let their horses run full out, she looked back and smiled at her friend's look of delight as the wind whipped her hair around. Sigrid was much like Fili, grown up too soon and now heir to a kingdom she had never thought to ever see flourish again. The line of Dale passed the crown simply to the firstborn, women could and had inherited the title in the past. Her life was one of responsibility and shouldering burdens, it was only with Tauriel, Kili and Fili that she truly let go, had fun and let the world's expectations of her take a break. In it's own way, the elf's friendship with the heir of Dale was just as important as her marriage to Kili and Fili. These bonds helped settle her in the new life she had chosen for herself. Though she kept up a close relationship with Legolas, not willing to give up a friend of nearly 600 years, Thranduil and her would never be close again, and she knew, had she gone back to Mirkwood when the battle to reclaim the mountain had ended, she would have ended up in the very cells the company of thirteen had found themselves in. 

When they entered the gates of Dale, Sigrid took the lead and led them to a tavern near the northeastern side of the wall. It was a good thing they had the wine to drink, because the ride had been bitter cold, and Sigrid was turning blue at the edges, even Tauriel was uncomfortable. Coldest winter in 50 years the elderly were saying, and the elf knew they were right. Too cold even to snow it seemed.

They entered and were given pride of place, the Lady of Dale and the wife of the Heir and Spare of Erebor were not unknown faces, so they got the best table by the fire and a very attentive host. Ordering some of the best of the prize winners from the competition that was taking place in the back part of the tavern, they soon had hearty plates set before them. Sigrid asked for two glasses and pulled a bottle of wine from her bag. Uncorking it, she poured herself and Tauriel a glass.

“Here's to bad days ended and good days ahead.”

Tauriel agreed and then.. the drinking began. Elves could put it away, Fili and Kili had found this out about Tauriel when Dwalin had challenged her to a drinking contest and nearly got alcohol poisoning trying to beat her. But Sigrid? It turned out she must have been sneaking some of her father's supply, because while she did not measure up to Tauriel's tolerance, she had an impressive one of her own. An hour and a half later, they were laughing, talking and Tauriel had started making effusive gestures with one of her daggers.

“And THEN, he said that my hair was so pretty he though he would take it for his own! Can you BELIEVE that?”

Sigrid was wide eyed. “You must be joking, what did you do?”

“Fed him his balls. Kind of literally.”

They clinked glasses and downed the rest of the wine, then Tauriel drew out another bottle. “Oh this was a good year.”

The tavern owner looked over at the two ladies. For the past hour and a half they had been drinking and telling loud stories that may perhaps have been a bit scandalous. He was unsure what to do, they were... royalty. And they were drinking more wine... and by the love of the Valar, the Lady of Dale was starting to sing, loudly... and lewdly. And was wife of the Durin brothers carving a picture on his table with her knife? What, exactly was he supposed to do? He was pretty sure they were drinking dorwinion wine and that stuff was potent, it got elves drunk for god's sake!

 

XXX XXX XXX XXX XXX XXX

 

Fili and Kili were in their rooms, pacing. Neither one wanted to admit it, but they were worried. It was cold, too cold and Dale could be a rowdy place for two drunk women alone. And as soon as that thought crossed both their minds they felt guilty, Tauriel could handle anything, she didn't need protecting. But... they had seen her deep in her cups with dorwinion wine during the last feast of starlight, if she had had to shoot an arrow, the only thing she would have hit would have been her own foot. 

And Sigrid? She wasn't a fighter, sure she could snark a man's ears off and she had nerves of steel when it came to negotiating for her people, and she was brave, but she had no fighting skills. What if something happened? What would they tell Bard? It would ruin relations between the mountain and the city-state. Or at least those were the reasons they told themselves.

“We need to go after them Kee.” Fili's voice sounded both strained and looking for backup.

“Just to check in on them, it's not like we're going to make them go home.” Kili seemed to be reaching for any excuse too.

So they got up, got dressed and saddled two ponies to take them into Dale, not realizing they were in for the wild goose chase of their lives.


	2. Chapter 2

Legal Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to The Hobbit in either book nor film form. The book rights are held by the estate of the late J.R.R. Tolkien, if they have not already gone into public domain. The film rights belong to Peter Jackson, Wingnut Productions and WETA Studios. This is a work of amateur speculative fiction and no profit was made, nor ever intended to be made.

 

AN: This is a Fili/Kili/Tauriel pairing, with a focus on Tauriel/Sigrid friendship. It will start with a turn for the comedic and then belligerently keep going. Enjoy and please leave a comment/review letting me know what you think. It can make a lady's day.

 

It Happened One Night

 

Chapter 2:

 

By the time Fili and Kili figured out where Tauriel and Sigrid were, they weren't there anymore. What was there was a very flustered tavern owner who was fretting over his table and what appeared to be an antler chandelier that had fallen from the ceiling onto what looked like something that used to be a stuffed bear that now looked a more than a bit... burned.

“What... happened?” asked Kili, who was not sure if he should be horrified that his wife may be somewhat responsible for this or proud of her.

The owner whirled around and at first didn't realize who he was talking to, too high strung for tact. “What happened? What happened is that the Lady of Dale and her best friend, the elf that's married to the Heir and Spare of Erebor...” and then his eyes widened as it hit him who was standing right in front of him.

“Who would be you. My deepest apologies your majesties, it was my greatest honor to host your wife this evening along with the Lady-Heir of Dale.” He bowed deeply, clearly hoping that the princes hadn't noticed his near insult of their wife.

“Uh huh, just tell us what they did.” Fili was already planning the headache remedy he was going to have to make when he got back from this.

The man cleared his throat and introduced himself as Saul and then gestured at the table. “Well, your esteemed wife carved this on my best table.”

On the surface was a very nicely carved picture of the Mirkwood forest under a starlit sky... with dwarves in the trees. Naked dwarves in the trees. The brothers winced, Fili sighed like he was long suffering and just gave Saul some coins for the table. Kili on the other hand was impressed and already trying to figure out how he was going to brag on his wife's improving crafting skills. Woodcarving wasn't the most highly prized craft among his kind, but it was still recognized for what it was.

Fili looked at the destruction of the chandelier and the stuffed bear and just pointed. Saul sighed and shrugged his shoulders. “The Lady Sigrid had climbed up on the table and was dancing and singing a rather lewd song about a hobbit, a sheep, 2 dwarves and a carrot, and your wife was... she was conducting some minstrels with her rather long knife and at one point she got up and got rather into it, lost her hold on her knife and it cut the cord on the chandelier at the same time as Lady Sigrid flung her hands out and hit the bear causing it to tip over, as the chandelier fell. Your elf yanked the Lady off the table and instead the chandelier fell on the bear... and lit it on fire. They put it out with beer, and then they left, after they paid their tab.”

The brothers were speechless, then they looked at each other and groaned. “Dorwinion wine....”

They gave Saul some more money to cover the damages and then asked if he knew where they had gone, seeing as how their horses were still tied up to the post outside the tavern.

“I have no idea, but if I were you, I'd just follow the sound of destruction. They had a bag of dorwinion wine and they said they were looking for adventure when they left.” 

The brother's Durin stepped back outside into the freezing cold and looked around, then they readjusted the blankets put around Tauriel and Sigrid's horses, made sure their ponies were well bundled and set off in search of their wife and their friend.

“You heard what the man said, follow the sound of destruction.” Kili was still somewhat amused, if a bit concerned.

“Somehow I think that's going to be easier than I want it to be.” Fili had already decided that the next time he and Kili wanted to have sex with Tauriel, they were going to have to tie her to the bed to keep her there. Just in case.

 

XXX XXX XXX XXX XXX XXX

 

Sigrid was having the time of her life, she had heard from one of the minstrels at the first tavern that there was a brewing contest going on at another tavern about a 10 minute walk from where they were, so she had gleefully poured beer on the fiery... well... bear and then dragged Tauriel off for more adventure.

“First a cooking contest and now a brewing one, why are your people holding these competitions over consumables?” This was not a practice Tauriel was familiar with.

“It's February, it's colder than a witch's tit out here and everyone in this city is bored. We need to do something to spend the time, so we have lot's of competitions. I think there's even some contests your dwarves would like. Jewelry making, stone carving, weapons making and wood carving. We even have one for limericks and dirty rhymes. My father won't let me enter that one.”

Tauriel arched one perfect eyebrow up, thinking about the song Sigrid had been singing earlier. “Than he just needs to be informed of your talents. You should sing for him.”

“I should!” she declared with excitement and then pointed to the next tavern, sounds of drunken merriment spilling out onto the street. “We're here!”

Once again when the host realized who was standing in his tavern they got the best table and the fastest service. Neither lady was used to such rarefied treatment, Sigrid had been a commoner all her life until just recently and Tauriel was sylvan, one of the Avari, the lowest castes of elves. Both had been used to gaining only what status they could earn and hold onto with bared teeth. Tauriel had fought her way up the ranks of the Forest Guard to become it's captain and Sigrid had earned each ounce of respect she had with dirty hands and hard work. To be given things, just for being somewhere, was still a unique experience, even after 2 years. 

After the host left them, Sigrid pulled out another bottle and then looked at the beer before them, then she started experimenting. Mixing flavors, seeing what happened when you added one to another. It didn't taste very good, but somehow she seemed to find a way to make dorwinion wine even more potent and that's when she told Tauriel her secret.

“I know nobility gets guards and all that. But you know what I really want, I want to learn how to protect myself. I mean... I'll never be nearly as good as you, but I'd like to at least know I could use a dagger in my own defense if I had to.”

Tauriel downed another glass, stood up and took out two daggers, doing that twirl thing she did when she was thinking. “I can teach you. Stand up.”

Instead of thinking that perhaps having a knife fighting lesson in a crowded tavern while both participants were drunk was a bad idea, Sigrid tossed her tankard of beer straight into the air and squealed in delight. She stood up and accepted a knife from Tauriel and waved it around. “This is perfect! We should do this more often!”

Tauriel was showing her a somewhat complicated move that had she been sober she would have realized that there was no way Sigrid could complete it, but she was not sober. She was rapidly approaching absolutely drunk and Sigrid was already there. There were worried whispers from the staff, but no one really wanted to kick the Lady-Heir of Dale out, nor the elven warrior wife of the Durin princes. So instead they got out of the way while the knife fighting lesson continued. It eventually went very badly.

Sigrid attempted another complicated move and lost her balance and careened into a very large and surly looking man. He reared back as though to hit her and Tauriel sent him flying. And that was how the two noble ladies started a bar fight. 

Soon the whole place was erupting with violence, and Tauriel and Sigrid were in the thick of it, drinking their wine in one hand and fighting with the other. Well, Tauriel was fighting and Sigrid was mostly bashing at people with an abandoned pint tankard, but the grins on their faces were unmistakable. They were having the time of their lives.

 

XXX XXX XXX XXX XXX XXX

 

It turned out that Fili was right, it didn't take all that long to find the tavern their wife and Sigrid was in. Not hard at all because a man went flying out the door onto the street and they could hear Tauriel yelling in elvish and Sigrid singing some godawful song about dwarves and hobbits doing terrible things to sheep and carrots. They walked in... and immediately had to duck some flying crockery and what appeared to be a bag of potatoes.

Kili kicked a man out of his way and looked around. “I'm both impressed and deeply disturbed by this! And I think our wife is drunk out of her elvish mind!”

“I'm banning dorwinion wine as my first act when I become King under the Mountain!” Fili tripped another man and sent him flying back into the fray.

Then out of the corner of his eyes he saw red hair flash by and he would know his gimlel anywhere. Also, the sound of Sigrid cheering the violence on was not lost to his ears as either.

“Over there, she's over there!” he yelled to his brother, trying to fight his way through the press of bodies. Both brothers knew she was more than more than capable of wiping the floor with these folk, but she was drunk. And drunk people tended to win fights based more on dumb luck than actual skill, and they both knew if they saw Tauriel go down, what started as a simple bar fight was going to end in bloodshed.

When they fought their way to where she and Sigrid were, once again... they weren't there anymore. Both brothers looked around, trying to figure out how it was that they kept slipping right through their fingers. 

“Where the name of mahal did they go?” Fili thought that perhaps banning dorwinion wine tomorrow might be a better idea.

Kili was the one to find her, he just turned his brother around and pointed. There they were, Tauriel was pushing Sigrid out a window by the front side of the tavern and then she climbed up and went sailing through it herself. Once again, the brothers were a moment too late to collect their wayward charges.

“This better not end up becoming a theme tonight.” Kili muttered as they made their slow way back towards the front of the building and exited the tavern.

Looking around it was clear that they were gone again, and that they were going to have to track them down.

“We could have been having sex right now you know.” Kili was still a bit disturbed by the fact that his evening plans were so completely ruined, but still he smiled, because if he couldn't have some good sex, he could have a good fight and he just got one.

They started down the road again, listening to noises of mayhem and tried not to be too amused.

 

AN: Tauriel isn't thought of very often as a princess, even though that's technically what she is now that she's married to Fili and Kili. She has a position much like her previous one as a captain in the guard. Fili is the Heir and is the second in charge of Erebor, Kili is the Spare and so is like a general in their army and an adviser to his brother. Tauriel is in charge of guarding the royal family and seeing to the security of the mountain, and helping Kili out with the army. So she's still much more thought of as Captain Tauriel of Erebor rather than Princess Tauriel of Erebor.


	3. Chapter 3

**Legal Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to The Hobbit in either book nor film form. The book rights are held by the estate of the late J.R.R. Tolkien, if they have not already gone into public domain. The  film rights belong to Peter Jackson, Wingnut Productions and WETA Studios. This is a work of amateur speculative fiction and no profit was made, nor ever intended to  be made.**

 

 

**AN:** This is a Fili/Kili/Tauriel pairing, with a focus on Tauriel/Sigrid friendship. It will start with a turn for the comedic and then belligerently keep going. Enjoy and please leave a comment/review letting me know what you think. It can make a lady's day.

 

 

 

**It Happened One Night**

 

 

**Chapter 3:**

 

 

 

The next place that Tauriel was willingly dragged to was a tavern of ill repute. In short, it was a brothel, and Tauriel was fascinated. She knew that the race of Man had the most social strictures around sex, but prostitution was unknown among her people. Dalliances happened, and they were not looked askance at. Bounds of marriage were sacrosanct, but otherwise, elves left the decisions of sex and sexuality up to the people directly involved. So prostitution was unneeded. But Men? They had rules for just about every kind of sex, and how you couldn't have it. All the broiling desire had to go somewhere, and she guessed it went to places like this.

 

Sigrid had been here once before, her curious eyes had looked at everything, watched the made up women enticing men who wanted them anyway, sometimes enticing women as well, though that was rarer. She had imagined that it was her, her skin being touched, her body that was desired. She was self aware enough to know that she had a complicated relationship with sex.

 

This time nobody seemed to recognize them nor care, though that may have been more from an unspoken need for discretion than having been truly unnoticed. It wasn't like they were being anything close to subtle. 

 

When they found their own table, Sigrid handed out the last bottle of wine and she and Tauriel didn't even bother to ask for glasses, they just passed it back and forth, and took pulls directly from the bottleneck. The conversation inevitably turned towards sex, and perhaps that was destined to be, seeing as how they were sitting in the middle of a brothel where a dirty song contest was happening. But because Sigrid was drunk, her segue wasn't exactly delicate.

 

“So, what's it like, having sex with two dwarf princes? I mean, you three do it often enough.” Her eyes sparkled with mischief.

 

Behind them someone coughed in surprise at realizing just who was sitting in front of him.

 

Tauriel got a very fond look on her face. “My husbands are very passionate in bed. They were always that way with each other, even before me. At first they almost seemed afraid they would break me, you mortal types always like to imagine that we are delicate because we are willowy, but we are nothing of the kind.”

 

“I'm aware.” Sigrid drawled. “I just watched you send a man ass over heels because he tried to hit me. You can't blame us though, you do look delicate, I look like I'd be hardier then you, and I can barely figure out how to notch an arrow.”

 

“Fili is very intense. He can be just as boyish and charming as Kili, just as playful, but always at some point when we are having sex, he changes. And then, it is as though you are at the center of his world, all he can see. All he wants to see.  His touch is very demanding, he enjoys seeing how many ways he can bring me to completion before I ask for mercy. Fili has seen much death in his life, his father, his companions, he has lost many people. So I think when he is vulnerable with me and with Kili, he can't approach it casually... and so he doesn't.”

 

Tauriel's fingers made invisible pictures on the table as she thought of Fili. “But everyone's wrong when they think Kili is the one who is playful and romantic and Fili is dour and serious. He likes to read to me, when I am tired, when things trouble me overmuch, when I am sad, he reads to me. No one has ever done that for me before. He reads to me in the common tongue and sometimes even in dwarvish, though I cannot understand him and lays kisses on my forehead. He is far more gentle and romantic than anyone gives him credit for.”

 

Sigrid scrunched up her eyes. She should have known Tauriel would start using sex as a way to talk about the souls of her husbands, she had heard married elves were like that. To them sex and their marriages were so intrinsically intertwined it was impossible for them to separate them. And when she was sober, Sigrid thought it was the cutest thing in the world. 

 

“Kili is every bit as playful and fun as you would imagine. He is also very attentive, he loves to braid my hair. It's a dwarven thing, something married people do for each other, both brothers do it happily, but Kili can spend untold time doing my hair and it seems to bring him a deeply sincere joy to take as long as possible at it.” 

 

Then she grinned. “But when it comes to sex, he has... unorthodox pursuits.”

 

“Now we're getting to the good stuff!” Sigrid grinned like a madwoman as she took a pull and passed the bottle back to Tauriel.

 

“He enjoys dominance games in bed. He likes me to tie him down, control him, be very forceful. But he also enjoys doing the same thing to me. He likes to leave marks and have me and Fili leave marks on him. Dominance games are not unknown to elves, but I had never met anyone who enjoyed both being in control and being controlled.”

 

“Is Fili the same way?” Sigrid's eyes were wide open and her skin was flushed.

 

“No. Fili quite enjoys rough sex, but he does not enjoy dominance games. He likes me to be as rough with him as he is with me.” Tauriel looked at Sigrid. “I do not mean to suggest that my husbands cannot be gentle with me in bed, that is not the case. Not at all, just that they have other desires beyond that when we have sex.

 

“What about you?” Tauriel asked.

 

Sigrid sighed with immense frustration. “What about me? I'm a virgin, and it's certainly not for lack of trying.”

 

“Are the men of Dale fools or blind? If I were not married I would attempt to find my way into your skirts.”

 

“And I'd let you. I'm SICK of being a virgin! I've tried, I snuck out the last year we were living in Laketown to see my suitor. When that fell apart, and we were in Dale and suddenly I had all this freedom as the working princess of a newly recovering city-state, but no!”

 

Tauriel stifled a giggle at her friend's frustration.

 

“Don't you laugh at me, Miss, I'm getting done at both ends by two dwarves!”

 

“Actually we've done that, quite a few times.” Tauriel's nonchalant tone of voice made Sigrid drop her jaw.

 

“Oh my. Really? That must be... intense.”

 

Tauriel nodded. “It is. But back to this frustration you have over your maidenhead still being intact. Why? I thought your race demanded that its females be virginal 'til marriage.”

 

“They do, I just don't care and never really did. I don't want to go to my marriage bed a virgin! I don't want to be all blushing and nervous and useless in bed on my wedding night. I want my wedding night to be great sex, not the painful fumblings of most people's first times.”

 

“Well at least you have a more realistic idea of what your first time will be like. Because it never really is wonderful, but it gets much much better,” the elf said.

 

“Twice I've been halfway to sex and been interrupted by some functionary who needs something. And then I have to rush around, shush the guy and stuff myself back into an outfit that has far too many layers and ties and buttons. By the time I'm done, the moment is gone. TWICE this has happened.” Sigrid morosely put her head in her hand. “I'm going to die a virgin.”

 

The man behind them stood up to offer his services when a woman with a limp stood up on top of the bar and banged two pots to get everyone's attention. “Alright everyone, it's time to start the singing competition, best filthy song or limerick wins!”

 

Sigrid turned to Tauriel. “Oh come on, lets enter. I know a great song, you can sing the chorus with me and they have a flute up there you can play.”

 

And that was how the Lady of Dale and the Captain of Erebor got into a public, drunken, dirty song contest.

 

 

XXX XXX XXX XXX XXX XXX

 

 

Fili and Kili had well and truly lost track of their wife, to say nothing of the heir of Dale and neither were looking forward to telling Bard that their wife had gotten his daughter drunk and lost in the dodgy section of Dale.

 

“It's not Tauri's fault Fili, Sig is the one who showed up with the wine. Interrupting us having sex I might add!” Kili was still quite indignant about that, and in fact would show signs of being put out about it till the next day.

 

“I really don't think Bard will care, he's just going to see his 20 year old daughter getting led astray by a 600 year old elf.” Fili was pretty sure that if Thorin found out about this, he too would be pretty upset.

 

Kili reached out and snagged the arm of a passerby. “We're looking for two ladies, an elf and a human.” He described what they looked like. “Have you seen them?”

 

The man looked at who he was talking to, and who was standing right next to him. “You're the Heir and Spare of Erebor! You're looking for your wife and our Lady.”

 

Kili narrowed his eyes, the man looked nervous. “Yes we are, now have you seen them?”

 

The man cleared his throat. “Um, they're at the Blue Slipper brothel.”

 

“THEY'RE AT THE WHAT?!” Fili didn't normally yell, but hearing that his wife was at a brothel was as much as his stress levels could handle. “WHY IN THE NAME OF MAHAL IS OUR WIFE AT A BROTHEL?!”

 

The man looked terrified. 

 

“Fili, calm down, he's about to piss himself.” 

 

Kili made the man look at him. “Nothing bad is going to happen, just tell us where the Blue Slipper is and we'll take it from here.”

 

He told them and then as they left muttering that they hoped they could find her quickly in the crowd, he said the thing that had them take off at a dead run.

 

“It should be easy to spot them, they were onstage when I left.”

 

 

XXX XXX XXX XXX XXX XXX

 

 

When they arrived, they found Tauriel and Sigrid onstage, both women fully clothed, swaying to music. Tauriel was playing the flute and Sigrid was singing, oh Mahal was she singing. The song made the one about dwarves and hobbits having their way with sheep and carrots earlier seem like a children's song in comparison. Objectively, they could see that Sig had a wonderful singing voice, but it sort of got drowned out in the subject matter and the cat calls.

 

“What in the name of all that is holy are they doing?” Fili was standing there wide eyed and agog. Sure, dwarves liked a rowdy good time, but not when their wife was in a brothel.

 

“I... I don't like the way some of these people are looking at Tauri. Not at all!” Kili wasn't often territorial, but his wife was onstage at a place where Men paid for sex. And that brought out a whole new side to him.

 

Then Sigrid belted out a verse that made even the famed Durin brothers blush.

 

“Is that even anatomically possible?” Fili wondered out loud.

 

“Not without help... and probably lots of butter.” Kili replied.

 

And then Tauriel put down her flute and the two of them sang the final chorus together:

 

“Oh, tip me over in the clover. Oh, tip me over in all my skirts. 

“Lay me out upon the green meadow. Oh, lay me out and fall over me.”

 

The room erupted in thunderous applause and after a moment a small man walked upstage to the ladies and handed them each what looked like a trophy.

 

“Well, the judges had already decided when you were halfway done with your song and this applause confirms it. Let's have another nice round of applause for Lady Sigrid of Dale and Captain Tauriel of Erebor. The winners of the second annual Dirty Song and Limerick Contest!”

 

“This is not happening... this is NOT happening!” Fili looked like he might have a heart attack.

 

“Bard's going to kill us. Thranduil's going to kill us. Legolas and Thorin will string us up. We are never going to live this down. Fili... THEY HAVE TROPHIES!” Kili had now fully made the switch from being halfway proud to being all the way horrified.

 

The ladies were led down from the stage and started to make their way to a table, and as they walked they saw that Tauriel was having to hold onto Sigrid to keep her from falling flat on her face, and that their wife was weaving pretty badly.

 

“It's time to wrap this party up before they go outside, pass out in the cold and freeze to death.” Fili said.

 

They made their way over and tapped Tauriel on the shoulder. “It's time to go home, gimlel, you're incredibly drunk.” Fili took the trophy from her and then he and Kili got on either side of Sigrid and started helping her out the door. Tauriel followed behind the, weaving her way as she went.

 

“I can sing,” murmured Sigrid.

 

“Yes, we heard,” said Kili

 

“We won trophies,” added Tauriel, a bit unnecessarily seeing as her husbands were each carrying one.

 

“We know, we saw,” said Fili as he and Kili prayed to Mahal that Sigrid wouldn't pass out on them and that Tauriel wouldn't wander away.

 

It took a bit longer than was comfortable to get them back to the horses and it was clear that neither lady was going to be able to ride on her own. The brothers each hitched one of their ponies to the back of each horse and then got Sigrid up on one horse with Kili behind her and Tauriel on the other with Fili behind her. It took a while to get back.

 

“Tauri, how much did you two drink?” Kili asked as they started up the path to the gates of Erebor.

 

Tauriel blinked sleepily at her husband from her perch on the other horse. “Um... I think... four bottles of dorwinion wine.”

 

“AND BEER!” Sigrid yelled, even though everyone had thought her asleep and so was greatly startled when she was suddenly awake and yelling at the top of her lungs.

 

At the exact same time Fili and Kili said the exact same thing: “It could have been worse.”

 

 

XXX XXX XXX XXX XXX XXX

 

 

By the time they got everyone to their rooms, Tauriel and Sigrid were barely conscious and the brothers just put them in their bed, taking off boots and overclothes and Tauriel's weapons. Sigrid fell instantly asleep, Tauriel mumured that she loved them... and then she was out like a snuffed candle.

 

Fili and Kili looked around, shrugged and then unrolled their old travel pallet, laid down and were about to go to sleep when Fili reiterated his new goal.

 

“First action as King Under the Mountain Kili, I'm telling you, is to ban dorwinion wine.”

 

And then, within moments, all four were deeply asleep. On the bedside table two trophies glinted in the faint candlelight. Glittering reminders of a night of drunken shenanigans.

 

 

**AN:** Gimlel means “star of stars” with a feminine suffix in dwarvish. Many thanks to igrab for finding a dwarven endearment for me, and thus saving me the trouble of searching one out and also for betaing this chapter for me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

Legal Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to The Hobbit in either book nor film form. The book rights are held by the estate of the late J.R.R. Tolkien, if they have not already gone into public domain. The film rights belong to Peter Jackson, Wingnut Productions and WETA Studios. This is a work of amateur speculative fiction and no profit was made, nor ever intended to be made.

 

AN: This is a Fili/Kili/Tauriel pairing, with a focus on Tauriel/Sigrid friendship. It will start with a turn for the comedic and then belligerently keep going. Enjoy and please leave a comment/review letting me know what you think. It can make a lady's day.

 

It Happened One Night

 

Chapter 4:

 

When Sigrid woke up the next morning, a few things occurred to her. First, she had an enormous headache, it felt like the dwarves of the Lonely Mountain were determined to mine gold and silver from her head. Second, she was in the marriage bed of the heir, spare and captain of Erebor, and that she was in said bed with Tauriel. Third, she was dressed only in her thin under dress and said under dress was hiked up around her chest, Tauriel was in a similar state of near undress and they were cuddling. She immediately came to the wrong conclusion.

“No! This did NOT happen! I did NOT lose my virginity and NOT remember it!” She shrieked.

Tauriel woke up with a start and nearly leapt out of the bed, her heart palpitating at Sigrid's sudden screaming. Then she looked down, and realized what Sigrid was yelling about, and as she gazed at the two of them, she had to admit, she was coming to the same conclusion as her best friend. And this was a problem, because she was married. 

“Did... did I cheat on my husbands and not remember it?” Her voice was as confused as Sigrid's was irritated.

Looking at each other, they said in chorus “Did we have sex last night?”.

Fili and Kili had woken up some time before and had gotten ready for the day, washed and dressed and had already eaten. Oin had delivered a hangover remedy to them and Kili had poured it into goblets for both ladies while Fili went over the schedule for the day. They looked at each other and grinned, and then turned to their wife and her friend.

Kili handed Tauriel and Sigrid each a goblet. “Yeah, you two really went at it last night.”

“We were surprised, you two couldn't even ride your own horses back by yourselves, but sex seemed to be no problem for either of you.” Fili said.

Sigrid tossed back the disgusting tasting mess in her goblet and just flopped back on the pillows. “I can't believe I finally lose my virginity, after three years of trying, and don't even remember it. I wasn't expecting it to be perfect, but I was expecting to at least remember it.”

At her virgin comments Fili and Kili grew wide eyed, and gave each other uncertain looks neither lady noticed.

Tauriel looked horrified at her husbands. “I am so sorry, I... I have no excuse.” Then her head turned so fast to Sigrid, her neck nearly popped. “Your virginity. Oh no, by the Valar, your virginity. Sigrid, I'm so sorry! There's ritual, there's care taken... I need... oh no... I need to draw you a bath, feed you. I'm supposed to be taking care of everything. You lay there, I'll be right back!”

The ellith had a reason to be so upset with herself: to be given the gift of another's virginity was a deep honor in elven society. It did not mean that a love relationship had begun, but that you had ushered someone into a new stage in their lives and that needed ritual and certain loving ceremonies attached to it. To have done none of it was to show deep dishonor to the one you had taken liberties with and to show one's self to be a terrible elf.

Sadly this was not something she had shared with her dwarven husbands, as none of the three had been virgins upon the start of their intimate relations. So they had no way of knowing that their little joke had gone a bit too far till Tauriel launched herself out of the bed, still tangled up in the sheets and nearly crashed face first onto the stone floor in her frantic desire to make restitution to Sigrid.

“Tauri, stop! We were just joking! You didn't have sex with each other last night, you both passed out and didn't move. We would never have let you two have sex, you're our wife!” Kili looked a bit shamefaced as he admitted their little bit of fun at the ladies expense.

“It was a poor joke gimlel, calm down, we're sorry.” Fili helped her back in bed.

Their wife gave them a very withering look and then drank her remedy. “That was not funny.”

“We know, we're sorry.” they said.

Sigrid picked up her empty goblet and threw it right at the brother's Durin. “You asses!”

Then she saw the trophies and picked her's up. “I had wondered if this part of the night was a dream, I guess not. I'm bringing this back to Dale and putting it up in my room. I guess I'm quite the people's lady now.”

Tauriel gave a small smile. “I think your father will try to pretend this never happened instead of playing up the people's lady angle.”

“Wait till Tilda grows up, I think my father may just decide to retire early and go hide in the Shire.” Sigrid scrunched up her eyes. “I think I distinctly remember plans to rule the world being hatched last night.”

The elf rubbed her temples. “I think I'll leave plans for world domination to the orcs. Too much trouble. I have enough to do here.”

Sigrid nodded. “I agree, Dale and Laketown are enough for me to handle. The world is too big.”

“Oh I don't know, it might be entertaining to be the favorites of the ladies who rule the world.” Kili laughed.

“Dorwinion wine.” muttered Fili. “I swear that stuff should come with a warning label.”

 

XXX XXX XXX XXX XXX XXX

 

By the time late afternoon had come around, both ladies had conquered their headaches and Sigrid had changed into a plain dress from the clothes she kept at Erebor just in case. Tauriel saw her to her horse, and gave a small smile at the three guardsmen Bard had sent to escort his daughter home.

“Thank you for a fun and enlightening time Sigrid.” The elf was back to her usual self, serenity cloaking mischief.

“I think word got to my father. Oh well.” Sigrid gave her friend a hug. “Come to Dale soon Tauri, we can have another adventure, one that doesn't involve dorwinion wine.”

Then she turned away and put her face on, the Lady-Heir of Dale was back and silly Sigrid was no more. She climbed up on her horse and rode with the guardsmen back to Dale. Tauriel watched her till she was well on her way and then turned and walked back through the gates of Erebor, all business as well too.

Above her, on the battlements Fili anf Kili watched her with soft smiles on their faces.

“She's not restless anymore.” noted Fili.

“I wondered, when we married her, if she could be happy in this mountain. I'm glad she is.” said Kili.

Then the Heir and the Spare went back into their mountain, unfinished tasks laying ahead of them and for the time being, fun was something other people got to have.

 

XXX XXX XXX XXX XXX XXX

 

Two months later Fili, Kili and Tauriel were in bed, the candlelight flickering over bare skin, light sheen’s of sweat coating them as touch merged into lust and lust flickered over to love. Gasps and moans echoing throughout their chamber.

And then the door banged open with a clang.

“I'M NOT A VIRGIN ANYMORE!” yelled Sigrid.

“That's IT! WE HAVE A CLOSED DOOR POLICY!” roared Fili.

Tauriel smiled happily and leaped out of bed, pulled on her robe, took Sigrid's hand and lead her into the sitting room. “You must tell me all about it. Leave out nothing!”

Kili stared at his wife's retreating back. “Not AGAIN!”

 

The End

 

AN: Well, that's it for these four. Thank you for reading this bit of humor, I hope you all enjoyed it.


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